


Don’t Sit There!

by Hellyjellybean



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, Arguments, Armitage Hux is the neighbour, Ben is the boss, Bens chair is stolen, Bickering, Confessions, Crack, Drinking, F/M, Fake Relationship, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Fun, Funny, Happy Ending, Kissing, Love Confessions, Magic, Rey has a conversation with a haunted chair, Rey has to get the haunted chair back, Rey is his assistant, Reylo - Freeform, Reys inner thoughts, Silly, Supernatural - Freeform, Swearing, Vampire Ben, Werewolf Armitage Hux, haunted chair, laughs, lots of swearing, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellyjellybean/pseuds/Hellyjellybean
Summary: This is total crack based on my own prompt:Rey's boss acts like daylight is a curse. So tipsy Rey pushes his favourite chair out onto the lawn. He has to leave the house to save it. Only he can't. He confesses he's a vampire and someone takes the chair and its poltergeist inhabitant. Now his 'wife' has to go beg for it back.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 45
Kudos: 182
Collections: Comfort Gems 2020, Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	Don’t Sit There!

_For Fucks Sake…_

She only wanted her boss to come outside and let a bit of light touch that pasty ass of his! How was she supposed to know that sunlight would make him spontaneously combust? It was just supposed to be a fucking joke! Everyone knew that she was a lightweight and day drinking was such as intoxicating temptation. It was really the alcohols fault. A booze filled lunch with her friends and now she was swaying slightly in her boss Ben Solo’s living room and he was fucking livid. His chair, which she had wrongly assumed was his favourite as he treated it so carefully, was actually a family heirloom passed down from generation to generation and meant to be guarded. Guarded! He had said it just like that. Like it was fucking normal! 

“The chair must be guarded.” 

How the fuck was she supposed to know that? She just thought it would be a laugh to push it out onto the lawn and watch him search inside for it while she giggled in the bushes before he finally saw it out on the grass. How was she supposed to know it would get snatched while she was laughing at the neighbour’s dog pooping in the shape of a heart? It wasn’t like that was something you saw every day! She was still mad she hadn’t managed to video it. That would have been click bait gold!   
  
Rey tried to concentrate while Ben continued to shout at her. _Man_. He was hot. Even hotter when he was angry. Or was he hangry? He _was_ a vampire. He had shown her his teeth and everything. How long had it been since he had a bite to eat? Rey cocked her head to the side while Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and started moaning about how this is what he got for letting a human into his world. 

Rey sighed. Her buzz was starting to wear off thanks to his moany arse. “Look, I will get the chair back if its that much of a problem.” 

He was inches from her now. How did he move so fast? _Oh yeah._ _Vampire_. That was going to take a bit of getting used to. 

“It is a problem, Rey Johnson. I need that chair back before the sun sets.” 

“Alright! Keep your fangs on!” Rey was still reeling with the news that Ben was a member of the toothy undead. The new world of puns that was now open to her had her salivating but first things first, she had to find that damn chair or _damned_ chair as it were. 

“Is there really a ghost in that chair?” Rey asked. “I thought you were just joking.” 

Ben nodded. “Yes. My grandfather trapped him within the object. It has been in my families care even since.” 

“What could happen if the ghost got out?”

“Do you want the sugar-coated version or the truth?”

“The truth.”

“The end of the world as we know it.” 

“Holy Shit.”

“Actually, Palpatine is a very unholy shit, and that is why we must get him back.” 

“You can count on me, Drac.” 

Ben closed his eyes and groaned. “This is the last time I hire an assistant based on how pretty her smile is.” 

Rey lit up. “You think I have a pretty smile?” 

“Rey, focus please…”

“Okay.” Rey stomped her feet together and saluted. “I’ll have your ghost filled chair back in a jiffy, Sir!” 

Ben sighed and lowered himself onto the sofa. “I wait with bated breath.” 

Rey left the house and inspected the scene of the crime. She found some beige threads. The chair was a piece of crap that had been falling apart for the whole three years that she had worked for Ben. Rey scanned the pavement. More threads! All she had to do was follow the trail of threads and Bobs your Uncle! One haunted chair! Rey fist pumped the air and started to follow the trail. It led her to the fifth house down from Ben’s. She had thought the chair couldn’t have gone far. It was rather large and heavy, and she had only been distracted by the love shaped shit for a very short time. Rey knocked on the door. 

No answer.

She rattled the letter box.

No response.

Rey opened the letter box and shouted, “Free Samples!” into the hallway. Shortly afterwards she heard a jingling sound and then the door creaked open a few inches and she came face to face with a very pale ginger haired man who eyed her suspiciously. 

_Geez,_ didn’t anyone in this street go outside? 

“Hi,” Rey said brightly. “I’m Rey. Look I left a chair out on the lawn down there and now I really need it back.” 

“Why?” demanded the man. 

_Wow. Rude._ “Because it was a prank gone wrong and it wasn’t for sale.” 

“It had a sign saying it was for sale.” 

_Great._ He was going to be awkward about it. Just what she needed. Rey put her hands on her hips. “It also had a sign that said it was haunted, do you believe that too?” 

“No.” 

“Then you agree you can’t believe everything that’s written on random signs, so I’ll take my chair back please.” 

“Why do you want it so much?”

“It’s my husband’s favourite.” Why the hell did she say that? _Shit._ Well she would have to run with it now. 

“You’re married to Ben Solo?”

“Oh, so you know the name of the guy you’re robbing, huh? Yes, I’m his wife. I’m Mrs Ben Solo.” 

_Ooooooh that sounded nice._

Then the wanker scoffed. He actually scoffed! Rey had never been so mad. 

“What the hell is wrong with me being married to Ben Solo?” she shouted. 

He looked her over from head to toe. “You are most definitely not his type.” 

Why the fuck had she drunk so much alcohol? There was no way she could stop her mouth now. She exploded. 

“How bloody dare you! I’m exactly his type! He can’t get enough of me! At it like rabbits we are! Surprised you haven’t heard us from down here!” 

He laughed. One sharp, piercing ‘Ha!’ 

_That. Was. Fucking. It._

“I’ll show you,” she shouted and got out her phone. She called Ben and he answered immediately. 

“Have you located the damned object?” 

“Yes, indeed I have _honey_ , it’s with your neighbour. A tall ginger bastard about five doors down?”

“Armitage,” came the growl down the phone. By the look in Armitage’s eyes, she was pretty sure he had heard it too. 

“Yes, _darling_. That’s right. Armitage has your chair and he is refusing to give it back.” 

“Tell that despicable mutt to release my property!”

“Shall I give him the phone so you can tell him yourself, _sweetie_?”

“Absolutely.” 

Rey handed the phone to Armitage with a smug grin. If it was possible, he looked even paler as he put the phone to his ear. His eye twitched as he received what Rey suspected was a severe ear bashing. Eventually he returned the phone to Rey. 

“He is to let you enter the premises and retrieve the chair. Rey, please be careful.”

“I can handle myself.” 

“Yes, I’m sure you can but Armitage is…different.” 

Rey turned away from the impatient Brit tapping his foot in his doorway. “Different like you? Or different in another way?” 

“He’s a werewolf.” 

“A what? No, he fucking isn’t.”

“He is.” 

“But he’s so weedy!” 

“Rey, please refrain from calling the vicious creature whose home you about to enter weedy.”

“Fine,” Rey mumbled back. 

“Just watch your back… _love_.” 

_Love?_ What the hell? _Oh!_ He must have realised that she had lied to Armitage about the depth of their relationship. 

Rey turned back to smile at Armitage. “Don’t worry, _sweetheart_. I’ll be back in your arms momentarily.” 

“I hope so.” 

That made her shiver even if it was just an act. She hung up the phone. 

“Satisfied? Now let me in or my hubby won’t be pleased.” 

Armitage stood aside and glared at Rey as she walked past him. “Not like he could do anything while the sun is up anyway,” he grumbled. 

“That may be…” Rey agreed as she looked around the living room and located the chair. “But do you really want to find out what he can do once the sun goes down?” 

“Well there’s your bloody chair, now get out.” 

“Well that’s charming! Give me a minute!” Rey manoeuvred the chair to the doorway and pushed it through.

“Why would Solo marry you? You’re just a human.” 

Rey rolled her eyes as she pushed the chair to the front door. “I told you…I’m his favourite type. Blood type that is. Ha! Get it? Coz he’s a vamp? Been dying to make that joke for like twenty minutes now, you could help you know! Don’t you have super strength?”

Armitage lay against the wall and folder his arms. “Now while I’m in human form,” he said with a smirk. 

“Geez, all of the men in this street are fucking useless.” She managed to push the chair out onto the street and stumbled out after it. 

“Well thanks for nothing, Rover!” she called as Armitage slammed the door behind her. 

Rey sighed and started to push the chair back to Ben’s. But it wouldn’t budge. 

“What the hell?” she pushed again. Nothing. “Argh! Come the fuck on! I don’t have all day!” 

“I do.”

_What. The. Fuck?_

Was Armitage playing with her? She took her hands off the chair. “Did you just speak?” 

“I did.” 

“You mean this chair really is haunted?” 

“Yes, and you could free me,” came the raspy voice from the dusty old chair. 

“Ha! No.” Rey replied. 

“I could give you powers beyond your dreams.” 

“No thanks,” Rey tried again to shove the chair down the street. “Could you just move please? How come you let that ginger prick push you?” 

“I desired a change. My surroundings have not changed in over 100 years.”

 _100 years?_ How old was Ben anyway? She made a mental note to ask him later. 

“Okay well you’ve had your little vacation now so let’s get back to your home, mmm?”

“I do not wish to go back there. I wish to be freed.” 

“Well that’s not happening, and I would really like to get out of the street before anyone sees me conversing with a piece of fucking furniture.” 

“I can offer you riches in exchange for my freedom?”

Rey laughed. “What, you found some change stashed down by your cushions? No thank you.” 

“There must be something I can offer you. Everyone has a price.” 

“Ben doesn’t. He’s never freed you.”

The chair growled. “The vampire is stubborn.”

“Yeah well, so am I so lets just forget this whole thing because I’m not going to help you.” 

Rey took out her phone and called Ben. 

“Rey! Are you okay? Did he hurt you? If he did, I’ll rip his fur from his flesh!”

“Calm down! I’m fine! He didn’t touch me. Although its really sweet in a sort of terrifying way to know that you would commit murder for me. Its this bloody chair Ben! It wont move! And it keeps blabbering on about wanting to be freed.” 

Ben sighed. “I was afraid of this.” 

“What the hell am I going to do? This lump won’t move!” Rey cried. 

“How dare you address me in such a manner! You would cower before my true form!” bellowed the chair. 

Rey huffed. “Oh yeah, what's your true form then?” 

“A Titan! A God amongst men!” 

Rey put the phone back to her ear. “Ben, what was this guy’s true form like?”

“He was a decrepit old man.” 

“Ew. Sounds like you are better off as the chair, mate.” 

“How dare you! When I am free! You will be first to suffer my wrath!” 

“Well it’s a good job no ones going to free your bony old ass isn’t it!” Rey returned to the phone. “Ben this is the fucking weirdest day of my fucking life.” 

“You are handling it admirably.” 

“Thanks, but that doesn’t solve the problem I’m having here.” 

“Threaten him.” 

“What?” 

“Tell him if he doesn’t move you will dowse him with petrol and set him alight.” 

“Will that kill him?”

“Don’t know. That’s why we’ve never tried it. But its worth a shot.”

“You’re right. I’ll give it a go.” Rey hung up the phone and walked around to the front of the chair. 

“Right, this is what’s going to happen. You are going to let me push your chintzy ass back to Ben’s house or I’m going to have a little bbq and you’re going to be the fuel.”

There was a gasp from the beige monstrosity. “You wouldn’t.” 

“Oh, wouldn’t I? Care to bet your cushions on that my fabric covered foe?” 

There was a long sigh. “I agree to your terms.” 

“Excellent.” Rey walked behind the chair once more and pushed and to her relief it moved. Palpatine was quiet all the way back to Ben’s house. When Rey arrived, she opened the door and lugged the chair inside. 

“Here’s your bloody chatty furniture!” she called out. 

Ben appeared from the kitchen. “Thank you, Rey.” He moved Palpatine back into the living room. “Would you like a drink or water?” He offered. 

“Considering I’m sweating like a vampire at a whittling convention, yes you would.” 

“Funny. I can expect a lot more of these can’t I?”

“Yup.” 

Rey followed him through to the kitchen and Ben poured her a glass of water. 

“How come that upholstered arsehole has never spoken to me before?” she asked between gulps.

Ben shrugged. “He hasn’t spoken in years. I honestly thought he had forgotten how.” 

“Here was me thinking you were just a nerdy little recluse. Turns out you’re a demon trapping vampire. Gotta say that’s kinda sexy, Ben.” 

“If I could blush right now you would see how red my ears used to go when I was human.” 

“That sounds adorable.” 

“Rey, before on the phone. Why did you refer to me by all those terms of endearment?” 

“Oh, I told Armitage I was your wife. It was part of the ruse to get the chair back. The bastard laughed! Said I wasn’t your type.” 

“Did you make a joke about how yours is my favourite blood type?”

“Yes! You know me so well.” 

“I do.” 

Rey sipped her drink. Then something occurred to her. “Hold on. If you didn’t know I was pretending to be your significant other, why did you call me love?” 

The old vampire looked sheepish. “Because I was spurred on by your actions. I though perhaps you were starting to feel…it does not matter. Now that I know it was part of your plan, we can overlook my behaviour.” 

“Ben, I just called you sexy. Do you think that’s something an employee tells her boss every day?” 

“Well no…”

Rey put down her glass and came towards him. “So maybe…I am starting to feel. Maybe you could even say I have felt for a long time.”

“You have?” the words were a hopeful whisper.

“I have.” 

“Rey, it wouldn’t be easy, with me. I am out of practise and there are things I can’t…”

Rey cut him off with a kiss. “Don’t go telling me what I can and can’t have, Solo. I’m a big girl, I can make my own decisions.” 

“Very well.” 

Rey grinned. “You know in all the years I’ve worked for you; I’ve never seen your bedroom.” 

Ben smirked. “A problem I feel we should rectify immediately.” He took her hand and led her to the foot of the stairs. 

“I will never give you a moment of peace!” Palpatine shouted from the living room, stilling their movements. “Now that I have found my voice once more, I will interrupt your amorous intentions at every opportunity!” 

“Oh, pipe down you pillow covered pillock! Or we will act out our ‘amorous intensions’ all over you! And just in case I didn’t make myself clear that means our bare asses rubbing on every inch of your fucking fabric. Now, you got anything else to say?”

Palpatine remained silent. 

“Didn’t think so!” Rey shot back. 

Ben chuckled as he kissed her. “You’re magnificent.” 

Rey took his hand and pulled him up the stairs. “Oh, you are yet to see how magnificent I am. Come on. I want to see how vampires get it up when they don’t have any blood rushing through their system.” 

“It’s actually rather interesting, you see…”

Rey cut him off with a kiss. “I’m much more of a hands-on learner.” 

Ben grinned as they reached his bedroom door. “You are a wonder, Rey.” 

“I’m just a girl, Ben. Standing in front of an undead, haunted furniture owning boy and asking him to love her.” 

Ben put a hand on her cheek. “No need to ask for something you already have, Rey.” 

Rey smiled as she reached up to kiss him. “I’ll offer you a trade, my beating heart for your un-beating one.”

“Done. Although I think I’m getting the better half of the deal.” 

“A smart mouthed walking juice box? Yeah, I think maybe you are,” Rey said as she pushed open the bedroom door and lay down on the bed. “Hey Ben? Is your favourite fruit a blood orange? Bet you don’t take showers, huh, bet you prefer bloodbaths?” 

“Your pillow talk leaves much to be desired Rey,” he said with a groan as he settled over her. 

Rey laughed. “Hey, you want boring dirty talk, you need to find yourself another gal.”

“In over 150 years I’ve never met a girl like you, Rey. You’re one of a kind.” 

“In a good way?”

“In a very good way,” he murmured as he kissed her again. 

“Hey Ben, what do you call it when you bang a vampire? A graveyard smash!”

Ben groaned. “Enough with the puns already!”

“You heard these ones before, huh? Guess I’ll have to raise the stakes!”

“The only stake I want raised around here is the one in my pants.”

“Now you’re talking!” Rey said with a laugh as she rolled them over so that she was on top. “Vampires, Ghosts, werewolves. It’s been quite day.” 

“I’m impressed with how you’ve handled it all, Rey. You truly are amazing.”

“Did you ever think that I handled it so well because it wasn’t all that new to me?” 

Ben furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Nudus!” Rey suddenly shouted and Ben found himself instantly without clothes. 

“Witch…” he whispered in awe.

“…and the vampire lived happily ever after,” Rey replied with a grin as she leaned down to kiss him once more.

  
**********


End file.
